roachmeow ([info]roachmeow) wrote,
@ 2004-03-29 23:55:00
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Current mood:RAGNA-TIME!

i would finish this but I'm playing ragnarok. ^^;
edited the first entry and modified it more to tell a more better tale in my opinion.

Meitan was the first to scream in shock and outrage at what was unfolding. But her voice was quickly lost in the cacophony of voices that arose. Anger, suprise, shock and disbelief mixed into the atmosphere of that lazy afternoon.

It was not everyday when the new teacher they have for Combat Arts, one who everyone in the school seem to like and favor, would intentionally and without mercy 'attack' in class a student with what seemed to be killing intent in a sparring match for their midterms.

It was not everyday when they saw solid hits land on a human body, with the almost audible crack of breaking bone.

Kariss Trick.

She arrived as quietly as the other Combat Arts teachers that the school has had over the past few weeks. No general assemblies to introduce her, nor were there any announcements of any kind. She was just there, sitting on the grass-filled square that was the Combat Arts Field with an amused look on her face as she waiting for the class to arrive. The students were used to this however. They had too many teachers for this class disappear suddenly never to be heard of again or recalled into service at the borders, defending their territory.

She didn't look like a Combat Arts teacher. She looked young, maybe around her mid 20's, but that was something not to be taken for granted. Magic can do a lot of things, either by illusion or by actually making people younger, or she could be Nosferatu. The last possibility was that she was just that good of a Combat Arts Teacher that she was able to teach it at this age. But Meitan doubted this. The lack of scars or limps seem to imply that she was something else.

Kariss wore her black-brown hair long, reaching just past her shoulders and kept into a semi-ponytail by a blue ribbon. Her face was one that was obviously used to smiling, and even for Meitan, that smile was quite attractive. It seems that some of the male students were already smitten. Her eyes were either blue or purple, Meitan couldn't tell exactly from her distance. She had good eyes, but not good enough to accurately determine someone's eye color from ten feet away.

The teacher appeared smaller than she really was, as Meitan wasn't the only one who gve whispered comments on that aspect when she stood up to address the class assembled before her. From her guess, the new teacher was an half a head taller than her.

What made Kariss very different from the rest of the other Combat Arts teachers was that she had no weapons visible on her body. She wore a long-sleeved blue denim jacket that was unbuttoned up to her stomach, and beneath it was a loose black shiny shirt. Finally, the calf-length deep blue skirt she had on wasn't continous. That is, there were cuts positioned in front of her legs, giving away the design's combat-oriented context of freedom of movement. Aside from the deep blue gauntlets and shin guards she was wearing, she seemed unfit for the job.

Standing up once the class was more or less assembled before her, she spoke in a clear, stragely cheerful yet at the same time reserved, voice.

"I am Kariss Trick, your new Combat Master. As usual no lethal attacks will be delivered in this class. However, I want you all to know that during normal classes, I will be sparring with you occasionally. And on those instances, I will fight with you in a level I deem appropriate for your fighting skill. If there aren't any questions, form up into pairs, bring out whatever weapon you use and practice with or rather, on each other so that I may see just how much you all know."

That was probably the shortest introduction the class has heard from anyone. Usually, the teacher would give out their credentials, a short history of themselves, their expectations for the class, and their personal rules.

By the time they were into the first hour of the class with the students sparring with each other, Kariss was deemed to be compentent. She had already spotted the few who were good at combat and also those who weren't. The former she mostly left alone except to point out something new to try, while the latter she kept her attention on and she was also seemed to be trying to find which fighting style and weapon would suit them most.

From the corner of her vision, Meitan could see that the teacher was headed her way as she sparred with her best friend Arrenet. Arrenet's weapon of choice was a spear, as opposed to Meitan's cestus and shield.

(to be continued)




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(Anonymous)
2004-03-29 08:50 am UTC (link)
hmmm. expanded. you fixed some narration problems, but ended up with more problems than your first entry. first, some mispelled words. easily amended. next, since you're starting with a future event, the way you ended your first draft was better (less tiring of a read: the way you wrote this second draft sort of draws the reader's attention away from the first event / your shift from the bone-breaking fight to the first confrontation of meitan and kariss. quite confusing). third, since you expanded the text, you could use some ease on your narration. as of now, i find it rigid and lacking. some descriptions lack a flow of words. try more figurative language rather than blase descriptions.

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its being hacked into place
[info]roachmeow
2004-03-29 11:58 am UTC (link)
I never stop and read what I have written. usually takes me a day or two to be able to read what I've done and half a week or more to muster the will to fix the errors.

for the spelling errors, my keyboard is...kinda fucked up. enter key keeps on locking up and the "A" key needs some pressure to work. might have to clean the keyboard again one of these days.

as for the new version...I'm trying to recreate what leads to the first event (Kariss' Attack) and to provide some background. considering that I offered nothing to explain what is happening/setting.

and it needs more elaboration on the "class part" I think I might instead of making it simultaneously "fights" between students and having the teacher move among them, I might make it...something of a run to the center and fight whoever is called kinda thing.

and I think writing while getting worked up on Ragna isn't a good thing. I dropped the pen, well sort of, once ragna had finished updating so it didn't end in the scene that I had wanted to (note the to be continued part).

on the narration part, still trying to get the feel of how Meitan narrates. trying to build her own way of thinking/speaking/seeing things so it is, at best, skeletonic in structure.

as for the descriptions, I'd probably add in more descriptions once I nail it down properly. The images in my head are one of the few things that I can't seem to be able to put into words without a hugely considerable effort. plus that I'm still building how the character looks like while I read.

yes, all of this work was done shotgun. no drafts before them. just sit down in front of the pc and work with what I have. ^^; kinda like how I do my exams. ^^;

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Re: its being hacked into place
(Anonymous)
2004-03-29 09:39 pm UTC (link)
the thing is, this IS your draft. number two, that is. you can make it your final version, but till that happens, its your draft. :D all i'm saying is watch out for cohesion. you start up focusing nga on the future event, so you have to understand that that event is your initial point of view. na-establish na yun. so nakakalito pag yung point of view mo (sige, sabihin na nating tenses sa action) mapupunta bigla sa past event (yun nga, yung kay meitan tsaka ara-whatever), since you were supposed to gear up situations that would lead to that first event you established. maybe you could put that encounter somewhere else, its kinda troublesome. let me know if i'm not making any sense here. :D

martin

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(Anonymous)
2004-03-29 08:52 am UTC (link)
oh yeah, that was me.

martin

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